I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
