This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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