How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
