I accidentally burped into my bong.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
