my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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