i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
