I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
