next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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