I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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