I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
