someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I am one with the molecules
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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