If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Duck Duck Cougar?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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