Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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