I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
