My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
