Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You can't motorboat a personality
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
