You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
