I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
