The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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