i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
