I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
