Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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