the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We are all done wearing pants today
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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