oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
