textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
