I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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