if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
