I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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