You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
