How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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