We're like a lot better than the average bears
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
