What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
