Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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