Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
