yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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