Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
