i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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