And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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