You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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