my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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