Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
