Pappa wants mamma naked
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
