don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
