who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
