boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
