Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
