Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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