i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
