plz talk dirty to me
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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