I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
they call him Oral-B. enough said
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
