My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
