If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
