She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
